After reading the top nine reasons to become a supervillain, I had a few ideas of my own. Enjoy!
A Secret Identity - So you don’t want to be a supervillain because you don’t want to be evil, but lets face it, being good isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Everyone knows who Lex Luthor is, or who Dr Octopus used to be: Dr Otto Octavious anyone…but superhero’s need to have a secret identity, not so much to protect themselves…I mean they are super aren’t they…but to protect their loved ones, their parents, aunts and uncles, spouses, and even their neighbors dog. All of this dual identity stuff could confuse just about anyone…just imagine searching for your car keys and realizing that you accidentally lost them in Tibet while you were fighting Fu Man Chu…or how to explain to your boss why you weren’t at your desk during that key business meeting…I’m sorry sir, I had to use the toilet for the fifteenth time today. I promise that it will never happen again…at least not until the next time Fu Man Chu shows up with a giant paper fan and tries to block out the rays of the sun. Trying to keep all your facts straight is a chore for a normal men and women…let alone a superhero burning the candle at both ends.
The Hours - Lets face it, superhero hours are the worst hours in the world. Unfortunately, not all superheros can be like Bruce Wayne…you need a job, and that takes time and in most cases effort. As I see it, you can take this requirement in one of two directions: find a job that is flexible enough to allow you to galavant all over the world at a moments notice…or you need to have a nine to five job and only do your superheroing at night. The first doesn’t pay all that well since they can’t really rely on you to take much responsability…the later pays the bills, but you may find yourself face down asleep on your keyboard with your boss screaming at you or calling up Kate on Lavalife just so you can pretend to have friends. It’s really a lose lose situation either way, and another reason not to become a Superhero.
Health Care - For some of you this may be a moot point…I mean inviceability has it’s privledges…but even the best Superhero in the world gets down in the dumps once in a while. A good health plan covers medical, dental, and psychological care, and may even include vision care and accidental death insurance. Unfortunately, as a superhero, most of you will only qualify for HMO coverage at best…medicaid being the worst. And lets face it, if you lose you’re job because Bozo the Dog Faced Boy robbed a bank while you were supposed to be flipping burgers at the local fast food joint, you won’t be able to afford COBRA either.
Social Awkwardness - Do you remember that awkward moment when you were about to kiss that girl you liked, but you had to excuse yourself to go save the world from a fiery meteroite? Of course you don’t. Lets face it, situations like that can be awkward enough as it is, add to the fact that you have superpowers and an obcessive compulsion to fight crime…and lets face it, you are a walking timebomb just waiting to go off aren’t you? Friends are always good to keep up your spirits, but they probably won’t be around long if you don’t have time to return their phone calls…and therepy for superheros isn’t cheap…see Health Care.
Negative Media - As if you didn’t have problems already, that pesky reporter at the daily something or other keeps showing up at your house asking one to many questions. The guy running the Washington Post keeps complaining that your a menace to society and the sole cause of all its evils. Some preacher in Florida has a website proclaiming that you and Barney the purple dinosaur are the antichrist. And CNN has a weekly poll asking readers whether they like your haircut. Negative media is the bane of every superhero. As it is, everyones knows that you can’t be all that great of a person if you have to wear a mask and have a secret identity.
Expenses - Batman has his batcave, a car, a plane, a boat, a jet ski. The X-Men have a mansion and a multi-million dollar converted SR71 spy plane. Both of these examples are probably not you. …You have an apartment and a bicycle. You ride the bike to work in the summer and take the bus in the winter. Unless you can fly, it takes money to make the world go round, and that last trip to Europe to face off with the Nefarious Dr Dinglehoff cost you at least 3 months rent if you live in New York…and at least a months rent anyplace else. You should probably think of working for the airlines if you’re the worldy sort…see The Hours. And lets not forget a retirement plan, every good hero needs an exit strategy.
Dating - So you’ve met someone and you want to ask them out, but you’re afraid that your arch nemesis Dr Knowitall could escape from jail and hold he or she hostage to get the upper hand in their nefarious bid to take over the world. Lets face it, it happens to Superman and Spiderman all the time…and while you know you’ll probably be able to save them and spoil the nefarious villains plot, the mental strain and anguish are serious considerations when deciding to become a superhero. With mental strain and anguish you will most likely be subject to stress headaches, fatigue, ulcers…the super kind of course…anxiety, depression and a host of other medical problems bringing us back to Health Care. Further, I can’t imagine the strain that multiple kidnappings would do to your relationship, but then again I’m not a super hero either.
Turning Evil - As you know, turning evil can be a serious side effect of Superherodom. There are various minerals to which you may be exposed that could turn you evil, you may simply be tempted by the dark side or start stealing things to suppliment your lack of income, your significant other may perish in a fiery blaze leaving you a shallow hull of your former self…or maybe you just always were evil and didn’t know it. No matter which way you look at it, turning evil is bad, and once you become evil, some other super person will be required to take you down.
Dress Code - Tights and a cape…need I say more? There’s a reason why no one can figure out who you are when they can clearly see your face…your costume is so guady that they can’t help but stare. A mask may be more practical if you want to fight crime in a more stylish fashion, but honestly, no one trusts people in masks…who was the last person you met that said “That clown guy was sure trustworthy, I wish he’d run for office.” or “That bearded man was so cool, he gave me this bag of candy…want one?” You could probably get away with a hooded sweatshirt or maybe some sunglasses…of course then you would look like the una-bomber and that just brings us back to square one.
